At the heart of me....

I'm putting myself under the microscope these days, examining who I am, who I want to be, and what I am truly made of. I'm attempting to strip away layers of oppressive thinking, and grief, and apathy, and fear and trying to uncover who I truly am at the core of me.

This reminds me of a project I did in my first year of college, a personal change assignment, where I dedicated time and effort to doing something for myself. The change then is exactly what it is now, I wanted to lose weight, a lot of weight, and I did it. In the process I found out my capacity for change, and the extent of my adaptability. I found courage, and let loose a little social butterfly who I always held back before. I grew thinner and healthier, while also growing bolder and more outgoing. My body shrank and my circle of friends grew. I became happier and my personality more buoyant, and I loved it.

So, I want to recreate this process, not limiting my change to weight alone, but to my approach to life, the way I live, the way I project, the way I interact with others. Along with losing a lot of unhealthy weight, I want to rediscover me, the real me, and who I am in relation to the rest of the world, not just to my kids. Because just a few years back, before I was blessed enough to be a mother to my amazing children, I was just me, a multifaceted individual, and I need to find those other facets again!

Tonight I'm packing up gifts for a gift exchange with an online friend, and I feel generous, and proud, and excited to see what she thinks of her gift. I know she'll love it, because I would love it, and I am happy to make her happy. I also packed up a gift for one of my sister in laws, who I want to make happy at Christmas, I want her to know I am thinking of her and I appreciate her, and all the support and love she's shown me in this hard time. She doesn't have to, she wants to, and I love her for it.

Life is infinitely hard, even when its going well, its hard. There are always obligations pulling at you, and its easy to get distracted from self, and from the core components of life, what matters, and to focus only on the external demands placed on you. I believe that's why we get feeling dissatisfied, and disenchanted, and stressed out, and let down, because we're placing too much emphasis on the things that don't truly matter to us. If we looked inward more often, to our selves, our souls, and our inner circle of family and friends, and focused on how we interact with them, and with ourselves, we'd have a lot more clarity. We'd have a better idea of who we are and what we need from our family and friends, as well as what we actually put back out there in the world.

I'm digging out, I'm excited to find me in this mess.

I can't wait to uncover Katie, the multifaceted woman, mom, friend, daughter, sister, lover (on hiatus), wife (I still am whole heartedly a wife), and child of God.

Katie