Is there anything better then.....

life getting notably better, right before your eyes?

I don't think so.

I am so happy today I would do cartwheels, if I could do cartwheels ;)

I feel as though I have successfully waded through one of the roughest patches of my life, and have finally come through on the other side, and in one piece. The grey skies have abated and the sun is shining through and the horizons look fabulous.

I feel waves of relief and peace washing over me.

Pure comfort and ease for the first time in months.

I feel something close to elation.

Something much like bliss.

I feel so good, and so blessed, and so absolutely cared for. And I feel grateful.

Of course, things aren't perfect, they never are, but they are improving, and they are good, and I have hope, and its as good as it can get I think.

Strangely enough, the emotional eater in me wants to indulge these warm and fuzzy feelings with fudge, the same as it would sad and gloomy feelings, that's unfortunate, because I have a vacation to plan for and a bathing suit to fit in to!

Katie

Refocusing

I've been doing really good with this weight loss business. I formulated a plan and I've been succeeding at following it. There have been some bumps in the road, but I just continued to do what I was doing and not let them derail me.

But I've hit a really big bump. I'm stressed and I'm weary, and for the first time in this journey, I've been careless, and indulgent and at risk of failing again.

I need to refocus.

My mind is all cluttered with stress, and some resurfaced sadness as the anniversary of Everett's death is approaching. Difficult emotions are welling up, they're boiling over, and I'm not feeling equipped to deal with them at all. I took on a lot of extra work, to make Christmas easier, to make living easier, and I have found its just the opposite, I'm getting worn out, and frustrated, and I want to just shut down and forget it all. I'm angry at the work I took on, and not enjoying myself at all. And I just want to quit. I want to quit stressing and working and trying in general for a while. But I can't. It doesn't work that way.

So, I need to refocus. Big time.

I watched the Biggest Loser tonight, and got re-inspired by Rebecca, who got eliminated but succeeded none the less in reaching her goals and transforming her life. I want to be like her. I want to be a Big Loser! I want to narrow in on my goals and the person I want to be, and then I want to go for it, and be that person, in reality, not just in my head.

I've had a few days of stumbling, those are to be expected, they come to us all. But my goal is to now get back up and keep going, and not let stumbles turn into something bigger.

I'm re-focused and going to succeed.

Katie

Lets hear it for the boy!

Landon is two today!! I've discussed my feelings about Everett, and this being his birthday as well on my grief blog, so I won't dwell on that here. This post is all about Landon! My sweet, fiery, cuddly, big brown eyed boy!

He started out so teeny tiny, just like this (check out the size of his head compared to his Daddy's pinky finger!)

And he grew to this by his first year...
And this is him now, at two years old, so big!

There are not enough words to describe how fabulous Landon is, or how much joy he brings! He's tender and loving, but wild and energetic. He's hot tempered and loves with just as much passion. He's amazing. He's smart, he's helpful, and he'll clean up a mess if you ask him to, he's an all around great boy to have around!

Happy Birthday Landy! You're a blessing and I adore you, in case you hadn't already figured that out!

Mama (aka Katie)

What's gotten into me?

I just can't believe this, I don't know what's gotten into me!

I've been doing this personal renovation for more then three weeks now and I haven't quit!! Thats MAJOR!

Usually I get going good, but life's frustrations and daily grind usually wears me down and temptations sway me and within a few days I end up getting completely distracted and I forget all the reasons I started dieting in the first place.

I've made it weeks and I still haven't lost steam. I'm keeping at it, and I actually WANT to keep going! I'm so excited, I think I'm actually going to be in this for the long haul. I think I am actually going to succeed and I am literally giddy at the prospect!

Its been a long time since I succeeded at this.

Its been a long time since I was thin and confidant.

Its been too long.

And I am one of those women who thinks that losing weight will change her life. I don't believe its going to turn every bad into good and make all wrongs into rights, but I do think its going to change things, and I'm excited. I know for sure that losing this weight is going to make me feel younger and healthier, and my confidence is going to sky rocket. I'm going to feel energized, and play more with my kids. I'm going to be less inhibited and start living more. I'm going to wear dresses and bathing suits and go out with friends. I'm going to take my kids swimming and shop with joy! I'm going to have more faith in me and will know what I am capable of (all things through Him who gives me strength), and I will fear less and do more. Its really exciting stuff. And for the first time in a very long time I can actually see these things happening to me, and soon.

Of course, I've got big goals to go along with this amped up motivation. My sister's wedding day is the big goal day for me, I'd love to lose another 65 pounds between now and then. It seems lofty but I know it can be done. But, in the mean time, I'm thinking of other goal dates, like Valentines Day, and June 21st, and my birthday (three months after my sister's wedding), by then I'd like to lose an additional 5 or so pounds and really tone up too.

There's so much work to be done, loooooooooots of work, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm not afraid of the work, I'm looking forward to the work, I'm revitalized by the work, and its so exciting!

So, here are some progress pictures, its not much yet, but I've lost about 11 pounds since the first pics were taken, so hopefully its visable!


Hmmm, looking at thee makes me think it isn't all that visable, but its only 11 pounds so maybe it takes a lot more to get some good results. I'll keep at it either way :D

Katie

Today is a big day!

Today is the anniversary of one of the biggest life changes that ever happened to me. Four years ago today, I underwent the biggest personal transformation a woman can ever undergo. Four years ago today, I took on a new title, and a whole lot of responsibility, and shifted the focus of my life from me, to her....


And two years (minus three days) later, him (Everett)...


And him (Landon)....


Four years ago today, I became a mother, a mama, as I like to be called, and my life changed forever. I gave away my heart to my baby (and later, babies), and from that moment on I would be forever distracted by their wants and their needs, and their amazing beauty.

When reviewing the events of my life that led me to who I am right now, I could not overlook Avery's birth, and the following four years. Avery has changed me, undeniably, to the core. From being her mother I have learned the depth of my ability to care for someone so vulnerable, I have learned about my capacity to fret and worry over someone else's well being, I have learned what it means to self sacrifice for someone else's good, and what it means to truly give your heart away. Those are all positive changes, I wouldn't change them for the world.

Happy Birthday Avery! You changed my life when you made your arrival four years ago today, just before noon. You made it better, and have continued to enhance it each and every day. You keep me on my toes, you make me laugh, you make me think, you make me cry (good tears), you are absolutely fabulous.

In a few days time I'll be rambling on about the birth of Everett and Landon, and how it changed me, so I won't go on and on about that now. Needless to say, Avery introduced me to the role of motherhood, and my boys elaborated on those lessons and enhanced the sense of joy and accomplishment that motherhood has brought me.

I was happy before having children. Happily married, healthy, young and beautiful (I think so at least), but after having children, I feel like traits like, caring, dependable, nurturing, and devoted were added to the list of things I feel I am, and I'm proud of the mother I have become, and the children who made me this way!

Katie

The song that inspired this blog's title....

and the changes I'm making. This song sums up where I'm at, and the struggles I'm facing. It speaks to me, it may not speak to you, but the interpretation of song lyrics is often like that, each person can take something different away from it. But I realized that the title of this blog may not make much sense for the readers, so I decided to put it into context for you all.

Here it is:

He Said, She Said
By Joe Purdy (Gotta love Joe!)

Where are you going my one true love?
you understand me like no one does
so who's gonna save me now?
yeah, who's gonna save me now?

He said...
Going away love can't you see
I can't take you
and you can't change me
so I'm going to save you now
yes, I'm going to save you now

She said...
Well I got bruises on my feet he says
and I got cuts on my hands
so who's gonna help me stand?
Yeah, who's gonna help me stand?

Well I got wounds that won't heal she says
just as deep and just as long
so I'm going to make you strong
yes, I'm going to make you strong

well I can't sleep at night he says
when those lights go out
well who's gonna show me how?
yeah, who's gonna hold me now?

I have dreams of you she said
I see you hiding your face
So I'm going to make you brave
Yes, I'm going to make you brave

I'm going to save you now
she says,
I'm going to save you now
Yes, I'm going to save you now
I'm going to save me now

Save me now

Katie

Its not a bowl of cherries......

Life that is. Its not all peaches and cream either. Or sunshine and lolly pops. Or roses.

Sometimes its storm clouds and mud puddles. Sometimes its a bowl of brussel sprouts or creamed spinach (or whatever vegetable you don't like). Sometimes its dead weeds on crusty brown grass. Sometimes it stinks like hot garbage!

There. I said it. Life's not all good and even the eternal optimist is sometimes unhappy.

I'm really enjoying this "digging out" process I've started here. I'm loving peeling back all my layers and getting to the heart of my issues, and why I've become who I have become, and why If forgot who I used to be. And I think the reason is life! Life made me who I am. And sometimes life is not a box of chocolates but rather a mine field, you still never know what you're going to get but the potential for life shattering pain is much greater!

Life is hard!

Since this blog is about brutal honesty in the pursuit of some personal enlightenment and increased self satisfaction, I'll just come right out and say that I can feel myself careening into a darker place right now. Its the time of year. It gets to me. Once I'm done celebrating the birthdays of my three fabulous kiddo's, I'll immediately transition into mourning the struggles and death and subsequent grief of one of those three lovely children. I'll celebrate Everett's birthday, relive the nightmare of his battle to live and the tragedy of his death and the difficulty of having to bury our baby, all in a 20 day span. I won't do this graciously either. Nor do I feel compelled to. I'll do it authentically though. The real deal. I'm going to be mean when I feel angry and I'm going to be sad when I feel the depth of my loss. I'm going to avoid conversation when I can't bear to speak a word about it and I'm going to bawl on the phone to anyone who will listen when I can't bear to not speak about it. I'm going to let stuff slip around the house because honestly, does it really matter when you're thinking about how badly you miss your baby who died before we got to introduce him to the world, or even to his own bedroom? No, it doesn't. I'm going to slack without caring and love my other kids too much. I'm going to over indulge their every whim because they're here with me, with breathing lungs and beating hearts and for those reasons alone they deserve to be spoiled. I'm going to go to bed too early some days and too late on others. I'm going to stay up crying and wake up with fat puffy eyes and then take my kids to lunch the next day with funny looking make up that can't cover those fat puffy eyes. I'm going to call people to talk about these emotions eating away inside of me and get angry when they don't immediately get it and I may just hang up on someone. And I won't feel sorry right away, but I will eventually and I hope they won't take it personally. I'll read my bible and my other books on grief and then I'll pray a little, and I'll thank God for his comfort but I'll still question his decisions, and I won't feel bad about that right away, but I will eventually, and when I come out of this funk I'll concede to His wisdom again, and He'll understand because he knows what I am going through. I'm going to throw myself head first into this whole grief business until I feel like coming out of it, and that's good I think. Its authentic. Its real. And that's what I am all about here right? Getting real and finding the real me in this mess that probably is the real me.

Life's not perfect, sure it has its silver linings, but for each one of those, there's a cloud.

I miss my son.

I miss the life I thought I was going to live right up until we found out he was likely going to die.

I hate that grief and loss and sadness have made me into a person I don't recognize.

But I'm happy that I'm finding myself able to transform myself now, nearly 2 years after I broke into a million pieces, I'm now finally putting them back together.

Katie

That's Progress Baby!

I'm doing a happy dance this morning!

I love it when big efforts pay off! It gives a much needed shot of encouragement to keep going and not give up yet.

As of this morning I am down 10.5 pounds in about 3 weeks! And 20 pounds since my marital problems began in August! Yay me!

I'm super motivated now, and itching to see the numbers fall even more. I know, I know, you're not supposed to pay too much attention to the scale, but I do, and for now I'm okay with that!

I've got such a long way to go still, but I love that now that I'm about three weeks into the process and I am getting great results that make me feel capable and successful, I don't feel like its impossible to reach those bigger goals.

My sister is getting married on July 10th of next year. Just a smidgen less then 8 months from now, and I have a very lofty goal for then. I'd love to lose another 65 pounds by then, which I think the math roughly works out to about 2.3 pounds a week between now and then. Some weeks I know I will lose less, and some I will lose more, but I realize that I'll need to tweak my diet and exercise regime as I go to keep the results coming!

Anyway, I feel super happy with me this morning, which is a great way to start the day. I'm less likely to make self sabotaging decisions now that I've got success on the brain!

Gotta love progress!

Katie

God help me!

I'm having one of those days.

One of those days where I just want to implode. One of those days where everything appears outwardly right but feels inwardly all wrong. And there's no comfort in sight.

God help me (and I know He will), I need some strength and comfort today!

Today is one of those days where I feel like I'm 100 years old and weigh 1000 pounds. I feel weighed down and depleted and old and tired and I hate it.

But, on a hopeful note, I have no intentions of falling off the diet wagon. Actually, I feel compelled to work out, as soon as the kiddo's are asleep. I want to run, and sweat and move my body, and maybe kick box away some frustration and anger that's building up inside me.

Its one of those days.

For a few days some of my big life issues seemed to be vanishing before my eyes, but that process has reversed itself and I'm back at the start again, feeling tired and frustrated and a little discouraged, and a whole lot of lonely. Typically when feeling like this, I'd drown my sorrows in ice cream and the like and just quit my dieting attempts all together, but tonight I feel relieved that even though so much is failing in my life, I can still take pleasure in knowing that I am still on track with my diet and can still transform my body, so I won't quit, today is NOT one of those days!

Today is one of those days, where its hard to feel hopeful about your life. Where your issues seem too big for the solutions available to you. But then I remember that there's no issue too big for God, and his solutions are perfect. I've happily surrendered these issues to him, after struggling for far too long, and I am relieved to see that He's taken them and is working with them, and I can already see His changes playing out before my eyes.'

My faith is stronger
My confidence is bigger
My resolve is greater
My fear is weakened
My heart is comforted
My sleep is sounder

So, today is one of those days where I want to implode from the frustration of being so flawed and imperfect and out of control of my life. Feeling like I have no say in what happens to me makes me feel desperate and afraid, until I remember that I haven't ever been in control at all. God is at the wheel, and I can trust where he is taking me. There's no need for fear today, or ever.

I'm going to work out tonight, like I really, really mean it. I'm going to celebrate the opportunity to recreate my body, into a healthy, vibrant and attractive body that makes me proud and helps me give my best to my kids and to myself. I'm not going to indulge in any of those vices that are actually failure traps that trip me up and ruin my best laid plans.

I'm going to celebrate. For every issue I'm facing is an opportunity for change and growth, each problem steers me down a new path. Its exciting.

Katie

Jillian, you're hired!

Alrighty, so, I'm out of breath! Seriously! I just watched the Biggest Loser (on Demand), and after two hours of watching these inspirational people put them selves through incredibly difficult workouts and change their lives and their bodies, I was feeling motivated to do the same. I just received my two new Jillian Michaels workout DVD's in the mail today, so I popped one in and got down to business.

There are aparently 7 circuits on this DVD, I finished 2, and part of a third, and then I was done. I lasted about 20 minutes, and I am proud! Jillian is HARD CORE! I have beads of sweat running down my neck and temples, I am panting for breath, seriously, that was a very valuable 20 minutes, and I can't wait to try it again!

If the question is, "who's gonna save me now" and we're speaking weight wise, the answer is Jillian! (And Bob too because I use some Biggest Loser DVD's staring him too). I joined Jillian's website and I am using the Biggest Loser jump start book for motivation, and for the first time in a very long time, I actually feel like I can do this.

I've had a lot of false starts in the past, where I get going with lots of bravdo and good intentions, but a few days later I'm off track and I realize that maybe I was never really "on the track" to begin with. I really, sincerely believe that I am on track now, and I am relieved and excited to see where I go, and how fast I can get there.

Stay tuned, I'm going to do this again tomorrow!

Katie

At the heart of me....

I'm putting myself under the microscope these days, examining who I am, who I want to be, and what I am truly made of. I'm attempting to strip away layers of oppressive thinking, and grief, and apathy, and fear and trying to uncover who I truly am at the core of me.

This reminds me of a project I did in my first year of college, a personal change assignment, where I dedicated time and effort to doing something for myself. The change then is exactly what it is now, I wanted to lose weight, a lot of weight, and I did it. In the process I found out my capacity for change, and the extent of my adaptability. I found courage, and let loose a little social butterfly who I always held back before. I grew thinner and healthier, while also growing bolder and more outgoing. My body shrank and my circle of friends grew. I became happier and my personality more buoyant, and I loved it.

So, I want to recreate this process, not limiting my change to weight alone, but to my approach to life, the way I live, the way I project, the way I interact with others. Along with losing a lot of unhealthy weight, I want to rediscover me, the real me, and who I am in relation to the rest of the world, not just to my kids. Because just a few years back, before I was blessed enough to be a mother to my amazing children, I was just me, a multifaceted individual, and I need to find those other facets again!

Tonight I'm packing up gifts for a gift exchange with an online friend, and I feel generous, and proud, and excited to see what she thinks of her gift. I know she'll love it, because I would love it, and I am happy to make her happy. I also packed up a gift for one of my sister in laws, who I want to make happy at Christmas, I want her to know I am thinking of her and I appreciate her, and all the support and love she's shown me in this hard time. She doesn't have to, she wants to, and I love her for it.

Life is infinitely hard, even when its going well, its hard. There are always obligations pulling at you, and its easy to get distracted from self, and from the core components of life, what matters, and to focus only on the external demands placed on you. I believe that's why we get feeling dissatisfied, and disenchanted, and stressed out, and let down, because we're placing too much emphasis on the things that don't truly matter to us. If we looked inward more often, to our selves, our souls, and our inner circle of family and friends, and focused on how we interact with them, and with ourselves, we'd have a lot more clarity. We'd have a better idea of who we are and what we need from our family and friends, as well as what we actually put back out there in the world.

I'm digging out, I'm excited to find me in this mess.

I can't wait to uncover Katie, the multifaceted woman, mom, friend, daughter, sister, lover (on hiatus), wife (I still am whole heartedly a wife), and child of God.

Katie

Adding some new tools to my arsenal!

A few weeks ago, I started taking a new vitamin, One a Day Weight Control. It has green tea extract in it, and Chromium I think, and its supposed to help with weight loss, as well as being a vitamin, I figured it was worth a try. In the past few weeks, without much effort at all on my behalf (I wish I could take the credit), I have lost about 7 pounds! Coincidence? Maybe, but I am inclined to think that the vitamin helped a bit.

So, today I went to GNC to check out a product I read about in one of the many woman's fitness magazines I read for inspiration. I got a special vitamin regime, little daily packets you take, for optimal weight loss. I'm excited to give these a try, they also contain some green tea extract, as well as some other little ingredients credited with weight loss/management and better health. (no worries, no ephedra or hoodia or anything gimicky like that!). I am fully aware that they won't make magic happen, I'll have to do a lot of work to get the results I want, but knowing I've got a little extra helper makes me feel less daunted by the task at hand, and makes me excited to see what it can really do for me!

And onto the topic of beauty ;) I'm becoming quite the lover of beauty products these days! I just discovered Bath and Body Works today, and I think I am in trouble!! I wish I was shopping for me, but I was on a budget, but holy cow! I would have spent a small fortune in there! They had all kinds of amazing smelling body washes and lotions and perfumes and lip glosses etc.... All my new favorite things!! I got myself a Twisted Peppermint 3 in 1 bath product (body wash, shampoo and bubble bath) to hold myself over until I can go back for more ;) But the deprivation won't last long, since my AVON order comes in tomorrow and I couldn't help but spoil myself a bit, so I'll have a new perfume, and some lip gloss, and eye shadow tomorrow to play around with!

I can't help myself! I've started this "new me" renovation and I can't stop! My whole life has been turned upside down. Nothing it what it used to be, or what I thought it would be, and I'm trying very hard to redefine and rediscover who I am in all of this. I'm thinking back to a time when I felt best about myself, who I was, what I wanted, and how I looked, and I'm trying to pull out little things I did for me back then, when I actually mattered to myself. When I was 21/22, I was a full time college student. I had a ton of friends, and lots of good times. I went to the gym, I was in the best shape of my life. I felt attractive and confidant. Confidant enough to put the moves on Elvis when he came on to the scene! I want that back! I want the health back, the energy back, the confidence back, the friends, I want it all back!

So part of this redefining stage I am going through will come in the form of reminding myself I am a woman. I am not just a mother, a nurse, a wife, etc... But I am a woman. I am so many things, and I forgot this fact somewhere along the line. Maybe forgetting to be ME was part of the problem in my marriage (which I hope can still be rectified). Maybe I fell into that trap, the "mom trap", where I stopped caring about who I was and how I projected to the world and I got so tied up in my kids that I just became a mom, not a woman and a mom, just a mom. My weight increased, my clothes got bland, my hair got shorter and plainer, no time for make up, no time for working out, no time for fun, or romance, I just threw myself head first into my kids and I never resurfaced. Now, add some grief to that, and all those important matters of self seemed so insignificant for so long. Who has time to think about make up or losing weight, or cute clothes when your son died? Not me.

But now I see that self neglect just breeds all kinds of dissatisfaction, in life, in marriage, in parenting, in friendships, and in self esteem. Forgetting yourself and failing to maintain that sense of self is so detrimental in so many ways. Even when you feel weighed down with responsibilities and stuggles, and even when you feel absolutely satisfied with your job as full time mom to fabulous kids, life won't be whole until you tend to yourself as well as others, something will always lack if you forget about you.

Who am I?

I like music, all kinds of music, but I love the Killers best!

I like to dance, when no one is watching

I love to sing even though I am horrible at it

I love jewelry, big and bold stuff, as well as soft and delicate pieces

I like counrty music and the whole "cowgirl" look

I love make up and perfume and feeling girly

I like to write, stories, poetry, ramblings

I like to read books about women who have had hard lives and have overcome, Maya Angelou, Alice Walker, Lori Lansens, they all tell great tales!

I love art! I love to paint and draw, I love to create and express myself visually

I always have a crush, I love to feel in love, I love the excitement of wanting someone to want me (and for the past 8 years this crush has been on Elvis, and still is [unless you count celebrity crushes, then my heart belongs to B-Flo! haha!])

So, I am digging out, slowly, and trying to figure out how I can be a mom and a wife (God willing I still get to fill this role) and a woman, and me, at the same time. I know it can be done, I just got too many balls up in the air in this juggling act of life, and I dropped the "me" one for a while. Its back up there now, and hopefully to stay!

Katie

I'm still here!

I don't post here as often as I should, I really meant to make this a daily thing when I started it. But, life is busy! I've got a lot of balls in the air and I'm not that great of a juggler, so its tough to remember to get on here and update on my progress!

I am, surprisingly, losing weight! I've lost about 7 pounds so far and I am very excited about that! I haven't started working out yet, though I paid for Jillian Michaels diet and work out plan, so I think I best get on that now and not be wasteful! I think I'll do another set of full body pictures when I reach the 10 pound mark, just so I can visually track my success.

Yesterday was a bad day for me food wise. I had ice cream, and I a few other goodies I should have passed on. Today will hopefully be better. Tomorrow I can grocery shop which means that I'll be able to buy some healthy choices that will make this whole process a bit easier for me, though I know the temptation to cheat will be there whether my kitchen is stocked well, or not ;)

I've been doing a great job on other fronts of his personal renovation though. I've been satisfying my spiritual needs with my small group, and through reading some great books that gave brought me comfort and some much needed direction. I've been pampering myself and taking better care of myself, my skin has never felt so good! Selling AVON has been good for me I think, because I've had the chance to buy myself some beauty products, perfumes and make up that I wouldn't normally go out and buy, and I have been really enjoying playing around with those, and getting comfortable with taking time for me each day to make myself feel good!

So, the renovations are slow, but well underway! I'll try harder to make this blog a priority, because its really helpful for me to write it all down and be able to look back at my thought process and to track my progress visually.

Katie