I fell off the wagon.....

Correction, I threw myself off the wagon! Then ran as fast as I could from said wagon.

I did what I always do, I got started with great intentions, and then something happened, something upset me, and I got side tracked, and since I ruined part of one day, I figured I might just as well "enjoy" the rest of the day, which spilled into the next day, and the next day, and before I knew it a week had passed and here I am, still at the starting line, but at least no further back ;)

Actually, I lost three pounds, so it wasn't a total bust!

But, lets get back to business here! I haven't totally lost my motivation, I just got a bit side tracked. The kids were sick, actually they still are sick, life got a bit hectic and I fell into my old habit of looking for food to comfort me. All it really did was nauseate me.

Aside from imagining how great I will feel when I've dropped 60 pounds from my frame, I've been examining other things that make me feel great about myself. Things that make me feel feminine and pretty and delicate, all the things that are very hard to feel when you're nearly 6 feet tall and overweight.

I've discovered the joys of make-up, and since starting to sell AVON, I've indulged in some products I've never formerly tried and had some fun playing around with my look. I like it! It's not nearly as intimidating or difficult as I thought it would be! I've also dabbled in body products, like scrubs and whipped body balms and I am in Heaven! I feel so soft and smooth, haha, even if I have to one to confirm this for you, trust me, my skin has never felt so great!

And perfumes! I love perfumes!

I'm on my way to become a very big girly girl, and I love it. I love this departure from the version of me I've been for the past few years. Run down. Tired. Lost. Apathetic. Confused. Indifferent. Beleaguered. Disenchanted. I don't want to be those things anymore. I know who I am and what I want to be. Whens someone is looking at me I want them to think things like; confidant, proud, pretty, feminine, interesting, energetic, lively, healthy, strong, vivacious, fun!

So, hopefully there'll be no more "falls" off the wagon, I want to get serious about this!

Katie

Day two update

I've got a headache and can't type much. I followed my eating plan, but didn't work out because of my headache. I watched the Biggest Loser and signed up for Jillian Michaels online weight loss plan, and am excited to put that plan into action!

I had some stress today, some emotional upset and it was very tempting to give in and eat something indulgent, but I didn't. This stress is going to spill over into tomorrow and days to come I expect, so hopefully I'll be able to keep myself in check, with the help of my support system, and not give up early like I usually do.

Tomorrow I intend to start the day with an omelet and fruit for breakfast

I'll have a Smart Ones entre for lunch

A yogurt and fruit for a snack

And ratatouille and brown rice for dinner (since I substituted today)

I think I'll take the kids for a walk if the weather is nice, and do a DVD in the evening when they've gone to bed.


Katie

It won't be like this for long...

It's painful to show you this pictures. Its even more painful for me to look at them, and see for real, what I actually look like right now. These are my starting out shots, the beginning of my journey, and it won't be long before I look back at these and think, I'm so happy I started walking away from this version of me. In a months time I hope to post new pictures that demonstrate my progress, and I hope I have some great progress to share!



So there you have it. My jumping off point. The result of years of neglecting emotions, and problems, and myself. I'm excited to move forward, to start digging myself out of this mess, I'm in there somewhere!

And just so you know I'm committed, I did work out tonight! I put on a Biggest Loser DVD and stumbled my way through it. It felt horrible and great all at once!

Katie

And so it begins......

The reluctance has started to set in, I don't want to have to change. I don't want to deprive myself, I don't want to throw away my security blanket, I don't want to test what I am capable of. This is where the resentment sets in. Why do I have to deal with all this? Why is this so hard for me? Why am I always struggling? Why can't anything be easy?

These hurdles show up hard and fast in every dieting attempt I make. Usually I stumble, then fall, and I never get back up, and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to break the cycle completely, I want to finally succeed.

I ate really well today, and I plan on doing some form of exercise tonight, after House (I promise!). I grocery shopped tonight and got some great, healthy foods I am sure Bob and Jillian would approve of, and I got myself a good vitamin too. I have a plan and I intend to follow it out.

Part of my plan includes blogging my plan for the next day's food and exercise the night before, then following up the end of the next day to report how I did. I want to plan out every morsel I eat, and every drop I drink. I want to book my workouts in like "can't miss" appointments. I think it will be the only way to make sure I make it over the hurdles without falling down and giving up. Plus, the accountability of reporting back will really help me stick to it, I hope!

So, tomorrow's plan is this:

Breakfast-1 pc toast with peanut butter
1/2 cup strawberries
small glass skim milk
big glass of water

Snack-cheese stick
apple
Big glass of water

Lunch
Salad with chicken on top
1 yogurt

Snack
100 calorie pack something or other

Dinner
Ratatouille over brown rice

Dessert
100 calorie pack fudge bar

Work out-
20 minutes on the treadmill while Landon naps
Biggest Loser "Jillian" DVD (strength)

I'll report back with how I did tomorrow evening, along with my goals for the next day!

Katie

Getting started....

Today is a very significant day, for no reason other then I've decided it is. I arbitrarily selected today to be the start date of a personal demolition and reconstruction. The start date for a long over due emotional and physical renovation, sorely needed and a long time coming. I've been putting it off, putting it down and having false starts for years now. I always meant to tackle it, to finish it, but somehow I always found a way to do something else instead, to my own detriment. The job is bigger now then ever, a lot of digging out to be done, and a lot of courage needed to even face the task of getting started. Like cleaning out an attic, or a really big and cluttered closet. It's going to take a long time, and its going to be labor intensive. I'm going to want to quit, to surrender to life and its business and just say "its not meant to be", I'm going to have to force myself to keep on it, and to strive for what I really need, and what I really want.

There's a lot of shame I find, in admitting that you've let your weight get out of control. Its embarrassing to admit you're not at your physical best, or that you haven't been taking care of yourself, even if anyone can tell just by looking at you, which often they can, its hard to say the words out loud. Maybe its most difficult for me to admit outwardly that I'm not satisfied with me, that I'm uncomfortable with the person I've let myself become, because I try so hard to appear confidant and strong, and an admission like this would be a betrayal of the persona I've created to hide behind.

Because this blog is about starting anew, stripping away facades and barriers, and things that generally trip me up, its going to be multifaceted, lots of confessions and realizations, and because I want to become more authentic, its going to be honest.

I'm 29 years old. I have some fabulous kids, Avery who is nearly four years old, Landon who is nearly two, and Everett who would be turning two with Landon but never lived passed 20 days old. My husband left me a little more then two months ago and I also just suffered an early miscarriage. So, I've got some issues with grief and coping with loss on my plate. Its not something I like to admit, but its hard to manage. Most often, I self medicate with food, pizza, pasta, ice cream, etc.... And then I feel guilty and I do it all again. Vicious cycle. Its lead me no where good. I've still got grief issues, and I'm still dealing with loss, I'm just doing it in size 18 jeans and extra large shirts.

But, I'm 29 years old, and that's a good thing! I still consider myself young and capable of huge personal change. I'm still capable of imagining a different life, where I'm happier, healthier and more vibrant, and I'm confidant my body can do it and do it well. I can still overcome my emotional issues, I can manage my grief and overcome my abandonment issues. I can manage my finances, make more money and feather my nest the way I like it. I can get along with my ex and parent my kids in the loving way they deserve. I can have my spiritual and physical revolution, become more authentic and happy and grow ever closer to God. I can change. I can dig myself out of this mess and start rebuilding a life I can really settle into, and feel at home and satisfied in.

Time to shake off all those years of fear and doubt.

Time to tear down anxiety and toss out regret.

Time to fortify myself for a long and grueling renovation and time to get excited about the future finished project.

Time to get started.

I'm 29 years old.

Newly single.

Mother of two fabulous kiddo's on earth and two more in Heaven (yes I count my miscarriage).

I'm 5 feet and 11 inches tall (Thank you God for that small grace).

I'm really heavy and not happy about it.

I'm ready for something better.

I'm ready for the hard work.

I've got lots of motivation to make this work for real this time.

I have no idea how long its going to take to dig myself out of this mess. But I know that I want to lose 65-70 pounds, as well as my self consciousness, my self doubt, my fear, my regret, my loneliness, and those weights that physically and figuratively hold me down.

I got myself some good tools to start with. I got the Biggest Loser 30 Day Jump Start book and their calorie counting book. I've got Biggest Loser DVD's, I've got a treadmill, I've got good friends and tons of support, and I've got my eyes on the ultimate prize, so I feel ready to get started!

If you're going to follow along on my journey, thank you, hopefully I won't disappoint, and if I do this right, maybe I'll inspire some of you to tackle your own personal renovations.

Katie