Getting started....

Today is a very significant day, for no reason other then I've decided it is. I arbitrarily selected today to be the start date of a personal demolition and reconstruction. The start date for a long over due emotional and physical renovation, sorely needed and a long time coming. I've been putting it off, putting it down and having false starts for years now. I always meant to tackle it, to finish it, but somehow I always found a way to do something else instead, to my own detriment. The job is bigger now then ever, a lot of digging out to be done, and a lot of courage needed to even face the task of getting started. Like cleaning out an attic, or a really big and cluttered closet. It's going to take a long time, and its going to be labor intensive. I'm going to want to quit, to surrender to life and its business and just say "its not meant to be", I'm going to have to force myself to keep on it, and to strive for what I really need, and what I really want.

There's a lot of shame I find, in admitting that you've let your weight get out of control. Its embarrassing to admit you're not at your physical best, or that you haven't been taking care of yourself, even if anyone can tell just by looking at you, which often they can, its hard to say the words out loud. Maybe its most difficult for me to admit outwardly that I'm not satisfied with me, that I'm uncomfortable with the person I've let myself become, because I try so hard to appear confidant and strong, and an admission like this would be a betrayal of the persona I've created to hide behind.

Because this blog is about starting anew, stripping away facades and barriers, and things that generally trip me up, its going to be multifaceted, lots of confessions and realizations, and because I want to become more authentic, its going to be honest.

I'm 29 years old. I have some fabulous kids, Avery who is nearly four years old, Landon who is nearly two, and Everett who would be turning two with Landon but never lived passed 20 days old. My husband left me a little more then two months ago and I also just suffered an early miscarriage. So, I've got some issues with grief and coping with loss on my plate. Its not something I like to admit, but its hard to manage. Most often, I self medicate with food, pizza, pasta, ice cream, etc.... And then I feel guilty and I do it all again. Vicious cycle. Its lead me no where good. I've still got grief issues, and I'm still dealing with loss, I'm just doing it in size 18 jeans and extra large shirts.

But, I'm 29 years old, and that's a good thing! I still consider myself young and capable of huge personal change. I'm still capable of imagining a different life, where I'm happier, healthier and more vibrant, and I'm confidant my body can do it and do it well. I can still overcome my emotional issues, I can manage my grief and overcome my abandonment issues. I can manage my finances, make more money and feather my nest the way I like it. I can get along with my ex and parent my kids in the loving way they deserve. I can have my spiritual and physical revolution, become more authentic and happy and grow ever closer to God. I can change. I can dig myself out of this mess and start rebuilding a life I can really settle into, and feel at home and satisfied in.

Time to shake off all those years of fear and doubt.

Time to tear down anxiety and toss out regret.

Time to fortify myself for a long and grueling renovation and time to get excited about the future finished project.

Time to get started.

I'm 29 years old.

Newly single.

Mother of two fabulous kiddo's on earth and two more in Heaven (yes I count my miscarriage).

I'm 5 feet and 11 inches tall (Thank you God for that small grace).

I'm really heavy and not happy about it.

I'm ready for something better.

I'm ready for the hard work.

I've got lots of motivation to make this work for real this time.

I have no idea how long its going to take to dig myself out of this mess. But I know that I want to lose 65-70 pounds, as well as my self consciousness, my self doubt, my fear, my regret, my loneliness, and those weights that physically and figuratively hold me down.

I got myself some good tools to start with. I got the Biggest Loser 30 Day Jump Start book and their calorie counting book. I've got Biggest Loser DVD's, I've got a treadmill, I've got good friends and tons of support, and I've got my eyes on the ultimate prize, so I feel ready to get started!

If you're going to follow along on my journey, thank you, hopefully I won't disappoint, and if I do this right, maybe I'll inspire some of you to tackle your own personal renovations.

Katie