Stepping back in!

I've been off track for a loooooooooooooong, looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time. I have some good excuses and some bad ones, but I won't start making exuses for myself here. I let myself go, further then I have ever gone off track before and I'm here now trying to get myself on course again!

For the first time in my history of being overweight, I feel really overweight. I feel it. My body hurts, my feet and knees hurt. I actually feel obese, and it's awful! I need to stop this. I need to quit choosing failure and start choosing success.

I'm so consumed by food. I have truly let food become my master, and I am tired of being a slave to my cravings and my weakness.

Romans 14:17 says this :For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit

Why do I spend so much time thinking about food?

Why do I crave food when I am hurting, when I'm lonely, when I'm angry?

Because I'm weak, and I'm leaning on myself and not on God. I'm not thinking about what God has planned for me and my body, if I were I wouldn't be gorging myself the way I do, I wouldn't have eaten myself to this unrecognizable version of me. This version doesn't glorify God and the blessed life He's given me, rather it's burdened, it's unhealthy and it lacks joy and energy.

Out with this version and in with a new one! One that can move and play and dance and enjoy all that God has given! I want to play with my kids, I want to be active, I want to dance and swim without hessitation! I want to feel unburdened and healthy.

The time is now!

Katie

I'm alive!

I'm sorry I vanished from the blog, if anyone notices or actually cares, haha.

Life make a big turn for the better and I got distracted, very, very distracted, and slipped back into some old pattern.

But I'd like to find my way back to this little "project" of mine.

I've got a few problems I was facing resolved, and I'm continuing to grow and change, but my weight loss has stalled and I need to rectify that, now!

Back on track for the new year, who's with me?

Katie

Is there anything better then.....

life getting notably better, right before your eyes?

I don't think so.

I am so happy today I would do cartwheels, if I could do cartwheels ;)

I feel as though I have successfully waded through one of the roughest patches of my life, and have finally come through on the other side, and in one piece. The grey skies have abated and the sun is shining through and the horizons look fabulous.

I feel waves of relief and peace washing over me.

Pure comfort and ease for the first time in months.

I feel something close to elation.

Something much like bliss.

I feel so good, and so blessed, and so absolutely cared for. And I feel grateful.

Of course, things aren't perfect, they never are, but they are improving, and they are good, and I have hope, and its as good as it can get I think.

Strangely enough, the emotional eater in me wants to indulge these warm and fuzzy feelings with fudge, the same as it would sad and gloomy feelings, that's unfortunate, because I have a vacation to plan for and a bathing suit to fit in to!

Katie

Refocusing

I've been doing really good with this weight loss business. I formulated a plan and I've been succeeding at following it. There have been some bumps in the road, but I just continued to do what I was doing and not let them derail me.

But I've hit a really big bump. I'm stressed and I'm weary, and for the first time in this journey, I've been careless, and indulgent and at risk of failing again.

I need to refocus.

My mind is all cluttered with stress, and some resurfaced sadness as the anniversary of Everett's death is approaching. Difficult emotions are welling up, they're boiling over, and I'm not feeling equipped to deal with them at all. I took on a lot of extra work, to make Christmas easier, to make living easier, and I have found its just the opposite, I'm getting worn out, and frustrated, and I want to just shut down and forget it all. I'm angry at the work I took on, and not enjoying myself at all. And I just want to quit. I want to quit stressing and working and trying in general for a while. But I can't. It doesn't work that way.

So, I need to refocus. Big time.

I watched the Biggest Loser tonight, and got re-inspired by Rebecca, who got eliminated but succeeded none the less in reaching her goals and transforming her life. I want to be like her. I want to be a Big Loser! I want to narrow in on my goals and the person I want to be, and then I want to go for it, and be that person, in reality, not just in my head.

I've had a few days of stumbling, those are to be expected, they come to us all. But my goal is to now get back up and keep going, and not let stumbles turn into something bigger.

I'm re-focused and going to succeed.

Katie

Lets hear it for the boy!

Landon is two today!! I've discussed my feelings about Everett, and this being his birthday as well on my grief blog, so I won't dwell on that here. This post is all about Landon! My sweet, fiery, cuddly, big brown eyed boy!

He started out so teeny tiny, just like this (check out the size of his head compared to his Daddy's pinky finger!)

And he grew to this by his first year...
And this is him now, at two years old, so big!

There are not enough words to describe how fabulous Landon is, or how much joy he brings! He's tender and loving, but wild and energetic. He's hot tempered and loves with just as much passion. He's amazing. He's smart, he's helpful, and he'll clean up a mess if you ask him to, he's an all around great boy to have around!

Happy Birthday Landy! You're a blessing and I adore you, in case you hadn't already figured that out!

Mama (aka Katie)

What's gotten into me?

I just can't believe this, I don't know what's gotten into me!

I've been doing this personal renovation for more then three weeks now and I haven't quit!! Thats MAJOR!

Usually I get going good, but life's frustrations and daily grind usually wears me down and temptations sway me and within a few days I end up getting completely distracted and I forget all the reasons I started dieting in the first place.

I've made it weeks and I still haven't lost steam. I'm keeping at it, and I actually WANT to keep going! I'm so excited, I think I'm actually going to be in this for the long haul. I think I am actually going to succeed and I am literally giddy at the prospect!

Its been a long time since I succeeded at this.

Its been a long time since I was thin and confidant.

Its been too long.

And I am one of those women who thinks that losing weight will change her life. I don't believe its going to turn every bad into good and make all wrongs into rights, but I do think its going to change things, and I'm excited. I know for sure that losing this weight is going to make me feel younger and healthier, and my confidence is going to sky rocket. I'm going to feel energized, and play more with my kids. I'm going to be less inhibited and start living more. I'm going to wear dresses and bathing suits and go out with friends. I'm going to take my kids swimming and shop with joy! I'm going to have more faith in me and will know what I am capable of (all things through Him who gives me strength), and I will fear less and do more. Its really exciting stuff. And for the first time in a very long time I can actually see these things happening to me, and soon.

Of course, I've got big goals to go along with this amped up motivation. My sister's wedding day is the big goal day for me, I'd love to lose another 65 pounds between now and then. It seems lofty but I know it can be done. But, in the mean time, I'm thinking of other goal dates, like Valentines Day, and June 21st, and my birthday (three months after my sister's wedding), by then I'd like to lose an additional 5 or so pounds and really tone up too.

There's so much work to be done, loooooooooots of work, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm not afraid of the work, I'm looking forward to the work, I'm revitalized by the work, and its so exciting!

So, here are some progress pictures, its not much yet, but I've lost about 11 pounds since the first pics were taken, so hopefully its visable!


Hmmm, looking at thee makes me think it isn't all that visable, but its only 11 pounds so maybe it takes a lot more to get some good results. I'll keep at it either way :D

Katie

Today is a big day!

Today is the anniversary of one of the biggest life changes that ever happened to me. Four years ago today, I underwent the biggest personal transformation a woman can ever undergo. Four years ago today, I took on a new title, and a whole lot of responsibility, and shifted the focus of my life from me, to her....


And two years (minus three days) later, him (Everett)...


And him (Landon)....


Four years ago today, I became a mother, a mama, as I like to be called, and my life changed forever. I gave away my heart to my baby (and later, babies), and from that moment on I would be forever distracted by their wants and their needs, and their amazing beauty.

When reviewing the events of my life that led me to who I am right now, I could not overlook Avery's birth, and the following four years. Avery has changed me, undeniably, to the core. From being her mother I have learned the depth of my ability to care for someone so vulnerable, I have learned about my capacity to fret and worry over someone else's well being, I have learned what it means to self sacrifice for someone else's good, and what it means to truly give your heart away. Those are all positive changes, I wouldn't change them for the world.

Happy Birthday Avery! You changed my life when you made your arrival four years ago today, just before noon. You made it better, and have continued to enhance it each and every day. You keep me on my toes, you make me laugh, you make me think, you make me cry (good tears), you are absolutely fabulous.

In a few days time I'll be rambling on about the birth of Everett and Landon, and how it changed me, so I won't go on and on about that now. Needless to say, Avery introduced me to the role of motherhood, and my boys elaborated on those lessons and enhanced the sense of joy and accomplishment that motherhood has brought me.

I was happy before having children. Happily married, healthy, young and beautiful (I think so at least), but after having children, I feel like traits like, caring, dependable, nurturing, and devoted were added to the list of things I feel I am, and I'm proud of the mother I have become, and the children who made me this way!

Katie