Is there anything better then.....

life getting notably better, right before your eyes?

I don't think so.

I am so happy today I would do cartwheels, if I could do cartwheels ;)

I feel as though I have successfully waded through one of the roughest patches of my life, and have finally come through on the other side, and in one piece. The grey skies have abated and the sun is shining through and the horizons look fabulous.

I feel waves of relief and peace washing over me.

Pure comfort and ease for the first time in months.

I feel something close to elation.

Something much like bliss.

I feel so good, and so blessed, and so absolutely cared for. And I feel grateful.

Of course, things aren't perfect, they never are, but they are improving, and they are good, and I have hope, and its as good as it can get I think.

Strangely enough, the emotional eater in me wants to indulge these warm and fuzzy feelings with fudge, the same as it would sad and gloomy feelings, that's unfortunate, because I have a vacation to plan for and a bathing suit to fit in to!

Katie

Refocusing

I've been doing really good with this weight loss business. I formulated a plan and I've been succeeding at following it. There have been some bumps in the road, but I just continued to do what I was doing and not let them derail me.

But I've hit a really big bump. I'm stressed and I'm weary, and for the first time in this journey, I've been careless, and indulgent and at risk of failing again.

I need to refocus.

My mind is all cluttered with stress, and some resurfaced sadness as the anniversary of Everett's death is approaching. Difficult emotions are welling up, they're boiling over, and I'm not feeling equipped to deal with them at all. I took on a lot of extra work, to make Christmas easier, to make living easier, and I have found its just the opposite, I'm getting worn out, and frustrated, and I want to just shut down and forget it all. I'm angry at the work I took on, and not enjoying myself at all. And I just want to quit. I want to quit stressing and working and trying in general for a while. But I can't. It doesn't work that way.

So, I need to refocus. Big time.

I watched the Biggest Loser tonight, and got re-inspired by Rebecca, who got eliminated but succeeded none the less in reaching her goals and transforming her life. I want to be like her. I want to be a Big Loser! I want to narrow in on my goals and the person I want to be, and then I want to go for it, and be that person, in reality, not just in my head.

I've had a few days of stumbling, those are to be expected, they come to us all. But my goal is to now get back up and keep going, and not let stumbles turn into something bigger.

I'm re-focused and going to succeed.

Katie

Lets hear it for the boy!

Landon is two today!! I've discussed my feelings about Everett, and this being his birthday as well on my grief blog, so I won't dwell on that here. This post is all about Landon! My sweet, fiery, cuddly, big brown eyed boy!

He started out so teeny tiny, just like this (check out the size of his head compared to his Daddy's pinky finger!)

And he grew to this by his first year...
And this is him now, at two years old, so big!

There are not enough words to describe how fabulous Landon is, or how much joy he brings! He's tender and loving, but wild and energetic. He's hot tempered and loves with just as much passion. He's amazing. He's smart, he's helpful, and he'll clean up a mess if you ask him to, he's an all around great boy to have around!

Happy Birthday Landy! You're a blessing and I adore you, in case you hadn't already figured that out!

Mama (aka Katie)

What's gotten into me?

I just can't believe this, I don't know what's gotten into me!

I've been doing this personal renovation for more then three weeks now and I haven't quit!! Thats MAJOR!

Usually I get going good, but life's frustrations and daily grind usually wears me down and temptations sway me and within a few days I end up getting completely distracted and I forget all the reasons I started dieting in the first place.

I've made it weeks and I still haven't lost steam. I'm keeping at it, and I actually WANT to keep going! I'm so excited, I think I'm actually going to be in this for the long haul. I think I am actually going to succeed and I am literally giddy at the prospect!

Its been a long time since I succeeded at this.

Its been a long time since I was thin and confidant.

Its been too long.

And I am one of those women who thinks that losing weight will change her life. I don't believe its going to turn every bad into good and make all wrongs into rights, but I do think its going to change things, and I'm excited. I know for sure that losing this weight is going to make me feel younger and healthier, and my confidence is going to sky rocket. I'm going to feel energized, and play more with my kids. I'm going to be less inhibited and start living more. I'm going to wear dresses and bathing suits and go out with friends. I'm going to take my kids swimming and shop with joy! I'm going to have more faith in me and will know what I am capable of (all things through Him who gives me strength), and I will fear less and do more. Its really exciting stuff. And for the first time in a very long time I can actually see these things happening to me, and soon.

Of course, I've got big goals to go along with this amped up motivation. My sister's wedding day is the big goal day for me, I'd love to lose another 65 pounds between now and then. It seems lofty but I know it can be done. But, in the mean time, I'm thinking of other goal dates, like Valentines Day, and June 21st, and my birthday (three months after my sister's wedding), by then I'd like to lose an additional 5 or so pounds and really tone up too.

There's so much work to be done, loooooooooots of work, but for the first time in a very long time, I'm not afraid of the work, I'm looking forward to the work, I'm revitalized by the work, and its so exciting!

So, here are some progress pictures, its not much yet, but I've lost about 11 pounds since the first pics were taken, so hopefully its visable!


Hmmm, looking at thee makes me think it isn't all that visable, but its only 11 pounds so maybe it takes a lot more to get some good results. I'll keep at it either way :D

Katie

Today is a big day!

Today is the anniversary of one of the biggest life changes that ever happened to me. Four years ago today, I underwent the biggest personal transformation a woman can ever undergo. Four years ago today, I took on a new title, and a whole lot of responsibility, and shifted the focus of my life from me, to her....


And two years (minus three days) later, him (Everett)...


And him (Landon)....


Four years ago today, I became a mother, a mama, as I like to be called, and my life changed forever. I gave away my heart to my baby (and later, babies), and from that moment on I would be forever distracted by their wants and their needs, and their amazing beauty.

When reviewing the events of my life that led me to who I am right now, I could not overlook Avery's birth, and the following four years. Avery has changed me, undeniably, to the core. From being her mother I have learned the depth of my ability to care for someone so vulnerable, I have learned about my capacity to fret and worry over someone else's well being, I have learned what it means to self sacrifice for someone else's good, and what it means to truly give your heart away. Those are all positive changes, I wouldn't change them for the world.

Happy Birthday Avery! You changed my life when you made your arrival four years ago today, just before noon. You made it better, and have continued to enhance it each and every day. You keep me on my toes, you make me laugh, you make me think, you make me cry (good tears), you are absolutely fabulous.

In a few days time I'll be rambling on about the birth of Everett and Landon, and how it changed me, so I won't go on and on about that now. Needless to say, Avery introduced me to the role of motherhood, and my boys elaborated on those lessons and enhanced the sense of joy and accomplishment that motherhood has brought me.

I was happy before having children. Happily married, healthy, young and beautiful (I think so at least), but after having children, I feel like traits like, caring, dependable, nurturing, and devoted were added to the list of things I feel I am, and I'm proud of the mother I have become, and the children who made me this way!

Katie

The song that inspired this blog's title....

and the changes I'm making. This song sums up where I'm at, and the struggles I'm facing. It speaks to me, it may not speak to you, but the interpretation of song lyrics is often like that, each person can take something different away from it. But I realized that the title of this blog may not make much sense for the readers, so I decided to put it into context for you all.

Here it is:

He Said, She Said
By Joe Purdy (Gotta love Joe!)

Where are you going my one true love?
you understand me like no one does
so who's gonna save me now?
yeah, who's gonna save me now?

He said...
Going away love can't you see
I can't take you
and you can't change me
so I'm going to save you now
yes, I'm going to save you now

She said...
Well I got bruises on my feet he says
and I got cuts on my hands
so who's gonna help me stand?
Yeah, who's gonna help me stand?

Well I got wounds that won't heal she says
just as deep and just as long
so I'm going to make you strong
yes, I'm going to make you strong

well I can't sleep at night he says
when those lights go out
well who's gonna show me how?
yeah, who's gonna hold me now?

I have dreams of you she said
I see you hiding your face
So I'm going to make you brave
Yes, I'm going to make you brave

I'm going to save you now
she says,
I'm going to save you now
Yes, I'm going to save you now
I'm going to save me now

Save me now

Katie

Its not a bowl of cherries......

Life that is. Its not all peaches and cream either. Or sunshine and lolly pops. Or roses.

Sometimes its storm clouds and mud puddles. Sometimes its a bowl of brussel sprouts or creamed spinach (or whatever vegetable you don't like). Sometimes its dead weeds on crusty brown grass. Sometimes it stinks like hot garbage!

There. I said it. Life's not all good and even the eternal optimist is sometimes unhappy.

I'm really enjoying this "digging out" process I've started here. I'm loving peeling back all my layers and getting to the heart of my issues, and why I've become who I have become, and why If forgot who I used to be. And I think the reason is life! Life made me who I am. And sometimes life is not a box of chocolates but rather a mine field, you still never know what you're going to get but the potential for life shattering pain is much greater!

Life is hard!

Since this blog is about brutal honesty in the pursuit of some personal enlightenment and increased self satisfaction, I'll just come right out and say that I can feel myself careening into a darker place right now. Its the time of year. It gets to me. Once I'm done celebrating the birthdays of my three fabulous kiddo's, I'll immediately transition into mourning the struggles and death and subsequent grief of one of those three lovely children. I'll celebrate Everett's birthday, relive the nightmare of his battle to live and the tragedy of his death and the difficulty of having to bury our baby, all in a 20 day span. I won't do this graciously either. Nor do I feel compelled to. I'll do it authentically though. The real deal. I'm going to be mean when I feel angry and I'm going to be sad when I feel the depth of my loss. I'm going to avoid conversation when I can't bear to speak a word about it and I'm going to bawl on the phone to anyone who will listen when I can't bear to not speak about it. I'm going to let stuff slip around the house because honestly, does it really matter when you're thinking about how badly you miss your baby who died before we got to introduce him to the world, or even to his own bedroom? No, it doesn't. I'm going to slack without caring and love my other kids too much. I'm going to over indulge their every whim because they're here with me, with breathing lungs and beating hearts and for those reasons alone they deserve to be spoiled. I'm going to go to bed too early some days and too late on others. I'm going to stay up crying and wake up with fat puffy eyes and then take my kids to lunch the next day with funny looking make up that can't cover those fat puffy eyes. I'm going to call people to talk about these emotions eating away inside of me and get angry when they don't immediately get it and I may just hang up on someone. And I won't feel sorry right away, but I will eventually and I hope they won't take it personally. I'll read my bible and my other books on grief and then I'll pray a little, and I'll thank God for his comfort but I'll still question his decisions, and I won't feel bad about that right away, but I will eventually, and when I come out of this funk I'll concede to His wisdom again, and He'll understand because he knows what I am going through. I'm going to throw myself head first into this whole grief business until I feel like coming out of it, and that's good I think. Its authentic. Its real. And that's what I am all about here right? Getting real and finding the real me in this mess that probably is the real me.

Life's not perfect, sure it has its silver linings, but for each one of those, there's a cloud.

I miss my son.

I miss the life I thought I was going to live right up until we found out he was likely going to die.

I hate that grief and loss and sadness have made me into a person I don't recognize.

But I'm happy that I'm finding myself able to transform myself now, nearly 2 years after I broke into a million pieces, I'm now finally putting them back together.

Katie